I find it kind of funny that after coming home from getting laid, twice, my mom gives me the "use protection" speech.

I can't believe that I'm getting married.

A lot of ups and downs in the past few weeks, still trying to make sense of it all. What I do know now is that I want to marry her. We've been talking about tying the knot before we leave for college. I want to. If it really came down to it, I would marry her right now. I don't know how her family would react to it, but I'm sure as hell mine would flip shit. I'm just worried that I wouldn't be able to give her the wedding of her dreams. Our budgets are low enough as it is, my family has nada, and her's is still a ?. I would be content with getting married at the courthouse. The only people I need present are my parents, my grandparents, and my brother. I want to marry her, I just don't know how it will tie in with college. I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just saying it's tough. If I play any sports, it will be hell not being able to see her all the time. But deep down inside, I know it will work. I can't imagine living out the rest of my life with someone else. I love her.

I can't believe what I've become. How can I be so damn stupid. If I could die right now, I would. I've always told myself that I wouldn't be that kind of guy. What the fuck am I doing? Fuck. I need Amy so bad now it hurts. I need her. Without her, I am a worthless piece of shit. I miss her so much, then I go do stupid shit. I need major help. I need every kind of help.

I have become the worst version of myself.

This fuckin' sucks. All I want to do right now is talk to Amy. That is all I want to do. Fuck Cancun. Fuck my mother. Fuck everything else. Right now, she's the only thing I've got. I need to get back to Bloomsburg. I don't know how much more of this shit I can take. Fuck.

Down here in Cancun I've kind of turned into a wild child. Lots of drinking and smoking. On some level, I'm kind of ashamed of it. If Amy knew, she would probably cry. Thinking about that makes me feel like a piece of shit. Then again, it is fun, being a little naughty. I've missed out on all that, so I'm catching up this week. Even so, I'm not fucking around on Amy. I haven't even kissed another girl. I still miss her. I miss her a lot. This trip will strengthen us. I lover her now more than ever. I need her. She is everything to me. I seriously want to marry this girl. I love here more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life. It can work, too. Look at my mom-mom and pop, he was 16 and she was 18. I know it with her. I know she's the one.

I'm in Philly right now. We're all staying here overnight before our flight tomorrow morning. Saying good-bye to Amy today was really hard, easily the hardest thing I've had to to in a long time. We had a deep, meaningful conversation tonight. I've discovered that I am in love with her to the nth degree. Recently, I have had thoughts of us in the future. I want to be with her for a long time to come. The great thing is that she feels the same way. I'm on cloud nine.